so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
