Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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