do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
