Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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