You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
