My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you never un-have a 4some
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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