I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
the liver wants what the liver wants
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
