Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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