you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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