i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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