Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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