just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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