I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
