I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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