Jerry, you need to find god
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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