Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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