My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
