I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
