so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
