So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize