Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
