How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize