Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
