Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
