i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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