When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
