I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
