I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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