i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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