Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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