Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
