I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
