I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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