it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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