hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
