You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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