I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
