I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
