I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
