Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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