Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
