Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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