Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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