Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
