Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
