i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
