one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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