Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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