Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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