White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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