Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
