if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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