forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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