im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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