I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
