I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
