Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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