but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
