after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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